Rapid Travel Chai

A rare Labor Day surprise in corporate mergers & acquisitions.

Restless Investors

A call from disgruntled institutional investors of Marriott International (NASDAQ: MAR) to increase its CUS (customer unexpected stiffing) profitability metric prompted the hospitality group to think beyond their traditional business lines.

In light of recent regulatory and airline competitor pushback to its proposed acquisition by Alaska Air Group (NYSE:ALK) for $1.90 billion, Hawaiian Airlines (NASDAQ: HA) management was open to a new suitor. Over the holiday weekend, Marriott International swooped in to purchase the struggling carrier. The deal, valued at $1.91 billion consists of stock, debt assumption and Marriott Bonvoy points, nudges ahead of the previously accepted offer from Alaska Airlines.

A Third Suitor

Hertz Global Holdings (NASDAQ: HTZ) mounted a bid of its own that quickly fizzled. The Hawaiian Airlines team that had flown to Hertz’s Estero, Florida headquarters to review the proposal later found that their Hertz-supplied rental cars had been marked as non-returned, reported to local authorities as suspected theft with warrants put out for their arrest. A Hertz representative who refused to provide his name and title would not comment beyond “They shoulda done the deal.”

Gone Hiking

Alaska Airlines was caught flat-footed over the holiday weekend, unable to mount a timely response to the bold corporate raid launched by Marriott, which had a 72-hour cancel penalty. Key Seattle-area Alaska Airline executives were hiking in the Pacific Northwest, out of phone service. Attempts to track them by their Subarus at hiking trailhead parking lots failed because every vehicle at Washington State trailhead parking lots is a Subaru.

Brand Expansion

Marriott’s current 30 brands are grouped in nebulous ‘collections’ one of which is called Collections:  Luxury, Premium, Select, Longer Stays, Collections.

Marriott Chief Collections Design Officer Regis W. Moxy worked over the weekend with brand consultants on where to slot Hawaiian Airlines. By Monday, they decided on a hashtag-friendly new collection: HA.

HA is both a nod to the airlines’ aviation legacy and creates a new collection to slot together unrelated brands.

Shifting Media Response

Financial and travel news media, who left their AI bots in charge over the weekend, hastily posted speculative strategic analyses.

Some suggested the move will be a bold new travel combination, airline + hotel together in marketing vacations.

European financial media pointed out that one or more such charter airline holiday operators go out of business per year, stranding thousands of customers. Now a cherished summer ritual, UK and European customers book such holiday packages and get stranded year after year.

A dedicated subculture of online groups have formed to see who has been stranded the most often and longest. A key selling point of the expected strandings is additional days for UK holidaymakers to complain about the condiments and offer unsolicited advice to unreceptive locals on how to prepare a ‘proper’ breakfast.

Leaked Investor Call

In a leaked call to institutional investors Saturday night, it is reported the Marriott Chief Acquisition Officer Carl Ton-Westin said:

The greatest acquisition in the history of Marriott International was Courtyard Hotels. Several generations of our most frequent travelers have booked Courtyard Hotels thinking they are getting a real breakfast benefit. The amount of cost savings, as well as incremental income from guests opting to pay for breakfast, has been the little-known driver of years of Marriott’s financial performance. No matter how angry at the time, many of these customers, hotshot Ambassadors, Titaniums, Platinums keep coming back. To Courtyard even! And don’t get me started about the Golds who think because Hilton Golds get breakfast that over at Marriott they will too. Boo-ya!

A Long Track Record

Late Sunday evening Marriott Chief Customer Bonvoying Officer Regis ‘AC’ Fairfield shed insight on the deal:

The hospitality industry has long admired the ‘ghost kitchen’ model of an airline that might not even be an actual airline, using its frequent flyer program as a financial engineering play, arbitraging with partner airline award inventory. BMI, long-departed from the scene, was the pioneer. Avianca is a current leader in this space.

Noted BMI archivist Gary Leff of View from the Wing, was contacted for this article. At his Austin, Texas office he curates the world’s largest private collection of BMI memorabilia. The next reunion for BMI Lifetime Golds, held every 5 years at rotating airport locations, will be in 2026, details to be included when announced.

The mention of BMI put Mr. Leff in an ecstatic state, giggling so hard that his comments were unintelligible. The post will be updated with his analysis when he is able.

The Tao of Bonvoying

Marriott’s Mr. Fairfield continued his comments to reporters:

The driver of Marriott International’s financial engine is Marriott Bonvoy with an engagement philosophy we call the Tao of Bonvoying. Bonvoy is the machine of a dream. The balance sheet-driving pumping pistons are (1) industry-low co-brand credit card earn rates and credit card partner transferrable point rates, (2) non-delivery and upsell of expected room upgrades and breakfast, (3) empowering hotel owners and operators to disregard any Marriott brand standards and Marriott Bonvoy policies with no negative consequence, after all, they are the ones closest to the guest, in the best position to decide how much to soak them.

Regulatory Approval Likely

Department of Transportation and Department of Justice staffers familiar with the matter are currently unable to officially comment.

One Department of Transportation summer intern, leaving the office on her final day before her school resumes, commented to reporters, “This is such a bonkers acquisition that it probably will be approved in a heartbeat.”

Bloggers Big Bet

Mr. Fairfield of Marriott had a valedictory close to his media briefing:

And then the one-time big wins. 2018 was a great year. The bloggers went wild on, can you believe it? Marriott Travel Packages of all things. They were spot on with their ‘worst-case scenario’. What a company Christmas party 2018 was! Actually, it was in Hawaii, that’s symmetry. When we saw American Express Membership Rewards offer a 20% transfer bonus to Hawaiian Airlines in August, with bloggers outdoing each other in transfers, we got our investment bankers working on a offer for Hawaiian Airlines and kept it secret until September 1. The bloggers were right. 1:1 miles conversions from Hawaiian Airlines. To Marriott Bonvoy!

Author’s note: if you read this far then you have enough interest in the subject to realize this is a fictional parody post. Your (and my) new Hawaiian miles are safe…or are they?

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